Me: Hey, Mr Mr Rustypants, come over here, I want to run an
idea past you.
Mr Rp: What’s up Dad? Huh? Huh? Huh? Idea? I’m good at ideas
I am. I have lots of them. Like the time I thought we could set up a girly lab
beauty school, and I could be head dog... that was a great idea, don’t know why
you didn’t like it.
Me: No, this is slightly different, I was thinking about
getting a cat.
Mr Rp: ...
Me: Don’t look like that, it’s worrying.
Mr Rp: I’m thinkin’!
Me: Oh yes, right, I wondered what the noise was.
Mr Rp: This cat – can I ask a question?
Me: Sure! Go ahead.
Mr Rp: Is it for breakfast or supper?
Me: Mr Rustypants! It’s not for eating! It’s for having
around the house. Being, sort of cat like. You know, meow meow, that sort of
thing.
Mr Rp: Oh yes, I know exactly what sort of thing. Vicious
evil creatures. We don’t want one. Nope, nope, nopetty nope.
Me: You like Auntie Becki’s kittens.
Mr Rp: No, I like Auntie Becki, there’s a difference. If Auntie
Becki had a dog, it could have my puppies.
Me: Dear god do you *never* think of anything other than
sex?
Mr Rp: Sure! When I’m asleep. Then I’m dreaming about it.
Me: Don’t snigger. I hate it when you snigger. It’s creepy.
Anyway, Auntie Becki’s kittens – they’re very cute.
Mr Rp: No, they’re spikey little balls of fluff, with talons
and fangs and claws and whatnot.
Me: They’re tiny little lovable things!
Mr Rp: No, they are highly dangerous. One piggybacks on the
other, they get under my legs, they’re using my danglies as a punchbag, it’s
not happening, I tell you!
Me: Well, we could get a fully grown one, how does that
sound?
Mr Rp: ...
Me: Could you get your paws off my knees please? And get
back a little bit. Like with your nose more than an inch away from mine. And
did I mention you have disgusting breath?
Mr Rp: Oh, that’s easy. We can sort that out. I could have
*cat* scented breath, how would you like that?
Me: A cat would be
company for you!
Mr Rp: No, it would not be company for me. It would sit
there looking all sneaky, flexing its little tail, and giving me the evils. I’d
rather we had a snake. At least I could play pull games with you using it, so
there’d be some point in having it. Or, have a snake as well as a cat, then
we’d soon just have a snake. Snakes like cats for breakfast, it’s a well known
fact.
Me: Look, there is to be no eating of cats. Can’t you look
on the bright side for once?
Mr Rp: ... Ok. Well, tasty treats, hows that?
Me: I said, no eating of cats!
Mr Rp: And I said tasty treats – chewy crunchy ones out of
the litter tray.
Me: You are totally disgusting you know that don’t you?
Mr Rp: It would be a catastrophe if we got one. Hah – see
what I did there? I crack myself up. You’re
lucky to have a dog like me.
Me: You and the cat could snuggle up together of an evening.
It’d be nice for you.
Mr Rp: You really are living in another world, aren’t you?
Me: We could call it ‘Lucky’ since it would be lucky to have
you as a companion.
Mr Rp: <Mutters> We could call it ‘Lucky’ because it
would be lucky to last the night.
Me: What was that?
Mr Rp: I said ‘Yes dad, you’re absolutely right’.
Me: My last cat was called ‘Mrs Whiskers’ – we could do
something similar. Would match nicely with Mr Rustypants, don’t you think?
Mr Rp: Whooahh! Hold up a minute there fella. You had a cat?
In MY house? You never told me this!
Me: Well, it’s long before you arrived, and I seem to recall
that it’s actually my house.
Mr Rp: You can go on thinking what you like, that’s what
you’re good at. But a cat? Creeping around being all cat like? No wonder I
thought there was a funny smell around here.
Me: Yeah – you’ll find that funny smell is rather less cat
and rather more dog’s bottom.
Mr Rp: Are you saying that I pass wind? That I am uncouth?
That I ... fart?
Me: Nooo, perish the thought. It’s not so much passing wind
as starting a large hurricane in the living room. They could have used you in
World War One you know, gas masks would have stood no hope. When you do that,
it’s like opening a gateway to Hell’s sewer!
Mr Rp: Could have been worse. Could have been in the car.
Me: Oh yes! Now you come to mention it, do you remember that
time we took Mr and Mrs Snugglychops down to the seaside for a day trip. And
she was sat in the back with you, when you let one rip?
Mr Rp Yes... you did well.. opening the window and saying
‘Oh you can smell the countryside can’t you?’
Me: I had to do something – I thought she was going to
faint!
Mr Rp: What really cracked me up was that she blamed her
husband, I couldn’t stop laughing.
Me: Oh, I didn’t hear her say that, which does explain the
rather strangled barking sound that I heard.
Mr Rp: Anyway, it was alright on the way back wasn’t it!
Me: Yes, only because they took the train. I really don’t
approve of being your flatulent partner in crime, you horrible creature.
Mr Rp: So anyway, you get me to come over here, taunt me
about stupid cats and then insult me. I’m not standing for this any longer, I’m
going back to my bed. Upstairs. In your bedroom.
Me: I think you’ll find that’s MY bed.
Mr Rp: (In the distance) Yeah, you carry on thinking that,
it’s what you’re good at.
