In which Mr Rustypants and I discuss the possibilities of a new companion

Me: Hey, Mr Mr Rustypants, come over here, I want to run an idea past you.

Mr Rp: What’s up Dad? Huh? Huh? Huh? Idea? I’m good at ideas I am. I have lots of them. Like the time I thought we could set up a girly lab beauty school, and I could be head dog... that was a great idea, don’t know why you didn’t like it.

Me: No, this is slightly different, I was thinking about getting a cat.

Mr Rp: ...

Me: Don’t look like that, it’s worrying.

Mr Rp: I’m thinkin’!

Me: Oh yes, right, I wondered what the noise was.

Mr Rp: This cat – can I ask a question?

Me: Sure! Go ahead.

Mr Rp: Is it for breakfast or supper?

Me: Mr Rustypants! It’s not for eating! It’s for having around the house. Being, sort of cat like. You know, meow meow, that sort of thing.

Mr Rp: Oh yes, I know exactly what sort of thing. Vicious evil creatures. We don’t want one. Nope, nope, nopetty nope.

Me: You like Auntie Becki’s kittens.

Mr Rp: No, I like Auntie Becki, there’s a difference. If Auntie Becki had a dog, it could have my puppies.

Me: Dear god do you *never* think of anything other than sex?

Mr Rp: Sure! When I’m asleep. Then I’m dreaming about it.

Me: Don’t snigger. I hate it when you snigger. It’s creepy. Anyway, Auntie Becki’s kittens – they’re very cute.

Mr Rp: No, they’re spikey little balls of fluff, with talons and fangs and claws and whatnot.

Me: They’re tiny little lovable things!

Mr Rp: No, they are highly dangerous. One piggybacks on the other, they get under my legs, they’re using my danglies as a punchbag, it’s not happening, I tell you!

Me: Well, we could get a fully grown one, how does that sound?

Mr Rp: ...

Me: Could you get your paws off my knees please? And get back a little bit. Like with your nose more than an inch away from mine. And did I mention you have disgusting breath?

Mr Rp: Oh, that’s easy. We can sort that out. I could have *cat* scented breath, how would you like that?

Me: A cat  would be company for you!

Mr Rp: No, it would not be company for me. It would sit there looking all sneaky, flexing its little tail, and giving me the evils. I’d rather we had a snake. At least I could play pull games with you using it, so there’d be some point in having it. Or, have a snake as well as a cat, then we’d soon just have a snake. Snakes like cats for breakfast, it’s a well known fact.

Me: Look, there is to be no eating of cats. Can’t you look on the bright side for once?

Mr Rp: ... Ok. Well, tasty treats, hows that?

Me: I said, no eating of cats!

Mr Rp: And I said tasty treats – chewy crunchy ones out of the litter tray.

Me: You are totally disgusting you know that don’t you?

Mr Rp: It would be a catastrophe if we got one. Hah – see what I did there? I crack myself up. You’re 

lucky to have a dog like me.

Me: You and the cat could snuggle up together of an evening. It’d be nice for you.

Mr Rp: You really are living in another world, aren’t you?  

Me: We could call it ‘Lucky’ since it would be lucky to have you as a companion.

Mr Rp: <Mutters> We could call it ‘Lucky’ because it would be lucky to last the night.

Me: What was that?

Mr Rp: I said ‘Yes dad, you’re absolutely right’.

Me: My last cat was called ‘Mrs Whiskers’ – we could do something similar. Would match nicely with Mr Rustypants, don’t you think?

Mr Rp: Whooahh! Hold up a minute there fella. You had a cat? In MY house? You never told me this!

Me: Well, it’s long before you arrived, and I seem to recall that it’s actually my house.

Mr Rp: You can go on thinking what you like, that’s what you’re good at. But a cat? Creeping around being all cat like? No wonder I thought there was a funny smell around here.

Me: Yeah – you’ll find that funny smell is rather less cat and rather more dog’s bottom.

Mr Rp: Are you saying that I pass wind? That I am uncouth? That I ... fart?

Me: Nooo, perish the thought. It’s not so much passing wind as starting a large hurricane in the living room. They could have used you in World War One you know, gas masks would have stood no hope. When you do that, it’s like opening a gateway to Hell’s sewer!

Mr Rp: Could have been worse. Could have been in the car.

Me: Oh yes! Now you come to mention it, do you remember that time we took Mr and Mrs Snugglychops down to the seaside for a day trip. And she was sat in the back with you, when you let one rip?

Mr Rp Yes... you did well.. opening the window and saying ‘Oh you can smell the countryside can’t you?’

Me: I had to do something – I thought she was going to faint!

Mr Rp: What really cracked me up was that she blamed her husband, I couldn’t stop laughing.

Me: Oh, I didn’t hear her say that, which does explain the rather strangled barking sound that I heard.

Mr Rp: Anyway, it was alright on the way back wasn’t it!

Me: Yes, only because they took the train. I really don’t approve of being your flatulent partner in crime, you horrible creature.

Mr Rp: So anyway, you get me to come over here, taunt me about stupid cats and then insult me. I’m not standing for this any longer, I’m going back to my bed. Upstairs. In your bedroom.

Me: I think you’ll find that’s MY bed.

Mr Rp: (In the distance) Yeah, you carry on thinking that, it’s what you’re good at.