In which Mr Rustypants spends an enjoyable afternoon - for him

Me: Mr Rustypants, I need a word with you about this afternoon.

Mr Rp: Ok Dad, what is it? What are we doing, huh? Huh? Huh?

Me: Well, we’re off to see a lady and her dog, called Amber.

Mr Rp: Lovely. What’s the dog called?

Me: Amber.

Mr Rp: What, as well? Isn’t that a bit odd?

Me: No! The dog is called Amber, and the lady owner is called Tracy.

Mr Rp: Ok, Amber, Tracy, Tracy Amber. Got it. Why do I need to know?

Me: Well, you see, you and Amber are going to have the afternoon together playing. And then in a few weeks, Amber will have lots of lovely little puppies.

Mr Rp: When you say ‘playing’, you mean shagging, don’t you? I’m going to get a shag! I’m going to get a shag! Oh YES!

Me: Well, it’s not the term that I’d use, but you’re essentially in the right area. Now, you be a good boy, and do your job, and don’t show me up, ok?

Mr Rp: No Dad, I’ll be as good as gold, oh yes.

4 Hours Later...

Me: What the hell was that?

Mr Rp: It was fantastic, that’s what it was!

Me: Well, I’m glad you think so, I thought it was a disaster!

Mr Rp: Well, it’s not my fault Ambers mum knelt down to tie her trainer lace up. I thought she was giving me a freebie to start me off. Y’know, foreplay.

Me: No! You almost gave the poor woman a heart attack. I didn’t know where to look, or what to say!

Mr Rp: I did!

Me: Don’t snigger, it’s not natural. Come to think of it, you’re not natural.

Mr Rp: You always do it don’t you, you have to bring up that one time in the woods.

Me: Well, can you blame me? Can you blame me? What was the other one called?

Mr Rp: Barney. And before you say it, he was as keen as I was.

Me: Damn right! It was like some filmset – Mr Rustypants and Barney frollocking in the woods in a gay dog orgy.

Mr Rp: Yeah well, it gave dogging a whole new meaning didn’t it!

Me: Anyway, back to this afternoon. You could at least have acted a bit apologetic to Amber’s mum.

Mr Rp: Well yes, I would have... except...

Me: Yes? Go on! Say it! Admit it!

Mr Rp: Ok, well, it’s not MY fault that Amber’s dad tried to pull me off her mum – I merely thought he was showing some interest. I was just showing willing.

Me: Listen mate, you were showing a lot more than willing – I didn’t know where to look, honestly. Thankfully, he was very good about it, once he’d staggered indoors and locked the door behind him.

Mr Rp: Well yes. But I didn’t think that other dog was much cop – the thin white one that just stood there.

Me: Oh. You mean that white plastic chair? Yes well, by the time you’d got your legs over it, it was beginning to buckle under the strain. Why couldn’t you have just gone straight up to Amber, introduced yourself and got on with the job?

Mr Rp: Well, I could have done. Did you see the tail on her? Phwoarr! But to be honest, that look she gave me was a bit off putting. I could count the number of teeth she’d got, and I knew where she wanted to sink ‘em.

Me: Right, so that’s why you were running after her was it?

Mr Rp: Me? Running? Nah, I wasn’t running. I was just exercising. Besides, I thought it was better to have her teeth in front of me, rather than taking a bite out of the merchandise, you know what I mean?

Me: Oh dear god.

Mr Rp: Anyway, it all turned out ok in the end. When you weren’t looking, we went at it. Job was a good’un.

Me: That’s all well and good for you to say mate, you weren’t the one who had to hold on to you and make small talk to Tracy while she was holding onto Amber while the deed was being done.

Mr Rp: You could have had a better chat up line than ‘Nice weather we’re having’ couldn’t you?

Me: Strangely enough, I was put off by your leer and the amount you were wagging your tail – it was almost obscene.

Mr Rp: Hey, it’s hot and thirsty work – I was just using my tail to keep a bit cool. It’s one of my signature trade marks.

Me: Do I really want to know what the others are?

Mr Rp: Well, showing considerable enthusiasm for shagging anything in sight – it was a damn good job you didn’t follow me around the shed, that lawn mower had the time of its life! And then of course there’s showing off the puppy making kit. We all do that – you just have to look at the pictures in that group of yours. I should be in ‘Studs monthly’ you know – centre spread.

Me: You really have no shame do you? None at all?

Mr Rp: Nope. Ask Barney. And Amber’s mum. And Dad. And the lawn mower. Best not bother with the chair though, it was looking like it was on its last legs! Hah! Last legs... I crack myself up I do. You’re lucky to have a dog like me.

Me: Well, Amber is coming over here in the next couple of days, for the second leg, so you’d better better be on best behaviour, right?

Mr Rp: Coming here? Fantastic, it’ll give me time to set up some traps for her. No messing this time; all I need is a cat. What you looking at me like that for?

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Some pictures of Rusty and Amber's puppies: