In which Mr Rustypants and I discuss dogging.

It’s been a while since I’ve transcribed one of the discussions that I have with Mr Rustypants, so here we go.

Me: C’mon Mr Rustypants, we’re going out!

Mr Rustypants: <raises an eyebrow> At this time of night? Twilight? We never go out then. What’s up?

Me: We’re hunting doggers! I want to see if there actually are any over at Norsey Woods and…

Mr. Rp: The Woods? Great! My favourite place in all the world.

Me: I thought the park was your favourite place?

Mr Rp: Yeah, it is. What’s your point?

Me: Well, you can’t have two most favourite places!

Mr Rp: Sure I can. I’m a dog, we can do that.

Me: Oh well, ok. Anyway, we’re going to see if there are any doggers.

Mr Rp: What’s a dogger?

Me: Well it’s er… umm… something people do.

Mr Rp: What, like playing with balls?

Me: Something like that yes….

Mr Rp: Something like?

Me: Well, you know when you sometimes still get a bit frisky, and you can’t help yourself….. it’s a bit like that.

Mr Rp: Are you seriously telling me we’re going up the woods to see people running around like things demented, and then jumping each other?

Me: Well, I wouldn’t put it quite like that but…

Mr Rp: You’ve really lost it this time haven’t you. So are they called doggers because they act like dogs?

Me: Well no. They’re called doggers because the men who watch will say, if asked by the police, that they’re in the woods because they’ve lost their dog.

Mr Rp: They all have the same dog?

Me: No, why?

Mr Rp: So the police rock up and all these men say that they’ve lost dogs, all at the same time. Isn’t that stretching credulity a little bit?

Me: Fair point, I see your drift. Ok, the same dog. Only of course it doesn’t exist.

Mr Rp: So it’s an invisible dog?

Me: Mmm, yeah, kinda.

Mr Rp: What breed?

Me: I don’t know, it’s not my dog, I haven’t lost it! (muttering under my breath ‘Though it’s an increasingly tempting idea’)

Mr Rp: What did you just say?

Me: Me? Nothing.

Mr Rp: What about the lead? Is that invisible too?

Me: Well, I suppose so.

Mr Rp: Well, that’s not going to work is it. If they’ve lost an invisible dog, they’d need a real lead to prove that the lost invisible dog isn’t actually invisible at all, even though no-one can see it.

Me: I think you’re getting into the realms of fantasy here you know…

Mr Rp: I’m not the one that started talking about invisible dogs and people running around carparks at night…..

Me: Yes well….

Mr Rp: So, while you’re looking for invisible dogs that you can’t see, what am I going to be doing?

Me: Well, enjoying the nature bit… the animals and stuff.

Mr Rp: What, foxes? Badgers? Bats?

Me: Errr, could be.

Mr Rp: You’re suggesting that I hang around with some very dubious characters then? Well, only fair I suppose since it looks as though you’ll be trying to find idiots looking for dogs that don’t exist while carrying leads that do exist for the dogs they haven’t got.

Me: Well, they’re not the best of company… foxes eat chickens and things.

Mr Rp: Well, I eat chickens. Remember that whole one that you’d just bought and I ate inside 5 minutes? You could say I wolfed it down! Hah! Wolfed it down.. dogs, foxes, wolves, do you see what I did there? I crack me up, you’re lucky to have a dog like me.

Me: Yes… and why are you making that noise?

Mr Rp: That’s me laughing that is. You never fail to mention the chicken episode at any opportunity do you?

Me: Well, do you blame me? That was going to be lunch and supper that was….. and why are you looking at me like that? Get your paws off my knees!

Mr Rp: You had my balls chopped off. You don’t find me bringing it up at every available opportunity do you? Huh?

<Pause>

Me: Anyway…. Dogging.

Mr Rp: Yes, if we find someone, can I join in?

Me: No you most certainly can’t!

Mr Rp: It’d be very funny though wouldn’t it. They’re busy trying to pretend to be dogs, and up I rock, a real dog. Or I could creep up quietly and then woof really loudly. Scare the life out of them. This could be fun after all…

Me: Yes, perhaps not. Would you like a treat instead, and we’ll stay indoors…

Mr Rp: Just the one treat? What kind of slave driver are you?