In which Mr Rustypants and I discuss chatup lines.

Me: Hey, Mr Rustypants, I’ve had a thought...

Mr Rustypants: Ah, I was wondering what that noise what. Can I help?

Me: Yeah, chat up lines. Do dogs have chat up lines?

Mr Rp: Ah, now I’m glad you answered that, it’s a very important subject. We do indeed have chat up lines – we’re very civilised I’ll have you know, unlike the feline devils.

Me: So, tell me all.

Mr Rp: Well, when getting ready to go out on the pull we have to get ready, like humans do. So first things first, a quick bath in the nearest mud pond so we can sneak up on the ladies without them realising. It helps to put on some doggly scent of course, Cow Pat #5 or Eau du Fox poo.

Me: Hmmm, well that explains a few things. Anyway, carry on!

Mr Rp: Well, when we meet up, it’s quite nice to go for the subtle approach sometimes. One of my personal favourites is ‘I wish you were my back garden, so I could bury my bone in you’. Or ‘If you like tennis, wait until you see my balls.’

Me: Subtle?

Mr Rp: You better believe it. When that’s softened them up a bit, you start to do the romancing. For example ‘Your eyes are like pools of doggy gravey, your paws have the aroma of digestive biscuits and your bum smells of kennel.’ That’s always a good one. Or ‘I’d ignore piles of fox poo just to get to yours’. Then there’s a passing reference to popular culture: ‘If I was called Scooby, could I Doo you?’ and ‘Of all the parks in all the world, you had to pee in mine’.  See what I did with those? I crack me up. You’re lucky to have a dog like me.

Me: I’m really regretting my curiosity. Do any of these get any better?

Mr Rp: Well, I don’t know if ‘better’ is the word I’d use. But try these; ‘you put the ‘ruff!’ in Crufts’, ‘Let’s get our owners cross so we can spend time in the doghouse together’. ‘You can round me up anytime’ – but that one is best said to collie dogs.

Me: What about those confusing times when you and another dog get it together?

Mr Rp: Oh! Glad you mentioned that. Couple of good lines I’ve had used on me ‘I’ll cover your back, if you’ll cover mine’ and ‘Does your tail wag both ways?’

Me: Enough already! Do any of these really do the trick?

Mr Rp: Well, to be honest, I generally find ‘Brace yourself girl, I’m Rustypants by name, but not by nature!’ is all that I ever need.

Me: I should have known better than to ask.

Mr Rp: Silver tongued cavalier me. But not the King Charles kind mind!