In which Mr Rustypants goes for a short walk

Mr Rustypants: Dad! Dad! Dad!

Me: I’ve told you before, it’s very disconcerting when you put your paws on my knees with your nose an inch from mine...get down!

Mr Rp: Yeah, ok, whatever. Anyway, it’s time for my walk! Let’s go! Let’s go!

Me: No, I don’t think so, you’ve hurt your paw again remember?

Mr Rp: No, that’s fine, I saw Gareth and he mended me. I’m ready to go!

Me: You’ve only had one set of tablets, 13 to go – no walks yet.

Mr Rp: Oh I’m fine! Look – I can jump up!

Me Oooph!

Mr Rp: I can jump down.

Me: Phew!

Mr Rp: I can jump up!

Me Ooooph!

Mr Rp: I can jump down. All mended. Let’s go!

Me: You were limping yesterday.

Mr Rp: No, that wasn’t me, that was the other dog.

Me: What other dog?

Mr Rp: The bad one! The one that nicks bread out of the kitchen. The one that ate your supper that time. It must have been him, fooling you.

Me: I only have one dog – that’s you.

Mr Rp: It’s an invisible dog then.

Me: I really don’t think so. Besides, if it was invisible, how would I know it had a limp?

Mr Rp: <Pause....> Anyway, it’s time for my walk.

Me: OK, short leaded one, alright?

Mr Rp: Sure, let’s go for it.

<A short drive later>

Mr Rp: What in the name of cats is that horse doing there?

Me: It’s a working horse, it’s pulling logs out of the woods.

Mr Rp: You know, I reckon I could ‘av ‘er.

Me: What? You’re serious considering trying to shag a horse?

Mr Rp: Not so loud! You’ll frighten her. And too much more of that and you’ll have a hoarse voice. Hah! See what I did there? I crack me up. You’re lucky to have a dog like me.

Me: No! No horses. Wrong species, wrong size, wrong shape, just wrong wrong wrong!

Mr Rp: Well, if you balanced me on your shoulders, I could give it a good go I reck..

Me: No! Don’t drag me into your perverted fantasies. Besides, I thought you’d learned what it was like the other day.

Mr Rp: Oh yes. That husky. There I was, minding my own business, having a sniff of the grass, and out of no-where, I was assaulted! Assaulted I tell you!

Me: Well yes, you did get jumped by a husky, who was rather bigger than you. The look on your face was priceless.

Mr Rp: Fat lot of good you were. All you did was laugh. I thought you were going to bust a gasket or sumfing.

Me: I’ve never seen you look so surprised and puzzled. You were so shocked, you just stood there!

Mr Rp: Well, I was taken aback it’s true, but after the first few seconds, it felt oddly – enjoyable.

Me: Didn’t look like it. Specially when you got a bit, shall we say, ‘damp’ at your rear end?

Mr Rp: Pah. That comes from associating with amateurs. He was so stunned by me, he couldn’t help himself.

 

Me: Yes well, now it’s happened to you, maybe you won’t do it again yourself.

Mr Rp: Yes, you carry on thinking that, it’s what you’re good at. By the way, my paw hurts. Can you carry me back to the car and give me some treats?