In which Mr Rustypants and I play a game.

Me: Hey Mr Rustypants, let’s play a game!

Mr Rustypants: Sure dad, I’ll just get my tennis ball.

Me: No, this isn’t a game with a tennis ball, this is a game of ‘what happened this week’

Mr Rp: Well, if there’s no tennis ball involved, it’s not a proper game. However, if you insist, after a few biscuity type snacks, I’m sure I can oblige. How do we play this game?

Me: Well, I say something that might have happened, and you play ‘one up-dog-ship’ with me. Look, I’ll start.... ‘What’s more embarrassing than when you take a leak against someone else’s car?’

Mr Rp: <munches on a snack> Ummm, no wait, I can get this, I can get this... when the owner is stood there talking to you and telling you that he thinks I’m well behaved?

Me: Well done, you win a snack! Let’s try another, shall we? What’s more gross than you taking a dump in long grass, making it really hard for me to pick up?

Mr Rp: <munching on another snack> Oh, that’s easy! When I also make sure that I manage to hit some thorny prickly things and you yelp!

Me: Yes, exactly. That was very painful and also unpleasantly messy.

Mr Rp: Well, I have no shame, it hasn’t prickled my conscience. Hah! Prickled! See what I did there? I crack me up. You’re lucky to have a dog like me you know.

Me: Yes, well, that’s a matter of some debate. How about this one. ‘What’s worse than when you jump into someone else’s car boot?’

Mr Rp: <choking on a bit of biscuit> Well, you have to admit, that was very funny!

Me: No, the sight of you trying to hump some poor unsuspecting boxer in the back of her owners car was not funny – not even a little bit. And while we’re on the subject, what’s worse than you trying to shag that poor spaniel? Honestly, it was so small you had to get down on your knees and elbows, it was appalling!

Mr Rp: Well, let me guess now... what’s worse is when the spaniels owner got down to try and untangle us? It’s not MY fault I thought she was offering herself instead of her dog!

Me: It was appalling! They’ll never let us back in the dog training centre at this rate!

Mr Rp: Oh, you worry too much dad, I don’t think they noticed. They were all trying to revive that other woman who had fainted. Serves her right for watching in the first place if you ask me.

Me: Ok, last one. What’s worse than you diving into a stagnant pool of water?

Mr Rp: Where’s my biscuity treat? <snap, munch, swallow> Well.... could it be when I shook myself dry next to that other dog walker and half drowned her?

Me: Yes, that’d be the one, exactly. Oh, how about this one. What’s worse than when you thunder upstairs in the morning, jumping on the bed, paying close attention to thumping your paws down on my sensitive bits and burp your breakfast in my face?

Mr Rp: Oh, that’s a hard one. Let me think...<snap, munch swallow> Oh yes, of course – when I then turn around and fart the previous nights supper into your face?

Me: Yes, that would be the one exactly. How about this one – what’s worse than nicking another dogs ball and running off with it?

Mr Rp: Oh, that’s not fair! That was a total misunderstanding. How was I to know that plate thing was a toy? Didn’t look anything like a tennis ball.

Me: And what did you do with it? How much humiliation did you put me through with that one?

Mr Rp: Well, see, it was like this. I know you like collecting up my dumps, so I thought I’d make it easier for you. I didn’t know it was a ... what was it? Frizbee! I thought it was some new fangled dump dish, so I merely borrowed it off the other dog and did a dump on it to make life easier for you!

Me: Yes well, I had a lot of explaining to do, I can tell you. I had to give the lady owner some money to buy a new one – understandably she wasn’t too keen on throwing it for her pooch again!

Mr Rp: Well, that one mistake – just one mistake apart, I like this game, we must play it next week. I’ll see what I can rustle up. Rustling... hmm, that gives me some ideas – how do you like rabbits?