In which Mr Rustypants and I discuss chatup lines.

Me: Hey, Mr Rustypants, I’ve had a thought...

Mr Rustypants: Ah, I was wondering what that noise what. Can I help?

Me: Yeah, chat up lines. Do dogs have chat up lines?

Mr Rp: Ah, now I’m glad you answered that, it’s a very important subject. We do indeed have chat up lines – we’re very civilised I’ll have you know, unlike the feline devils.

Me: So, tell me all.

Mr Rp: Well, when getting ready to go out on the pull we have to get ready, like humans do. So first things first, a quick bath in the nearest mud pond so we can sneak up on the ladies without them realising. It helps to put on some doggly scent of course, Cow Pat #5 or Eau du Fox poo.

Me: Hmmm, well that explains a few things. Anyway, carry on!

Mr Rp: Well, when we meet up, it’s quite nice to go for the subtle approach sometimes. One of my personal favourites is ‘I wish you were my back garden, so I could bury my bone in you’. Or ‘If you like tennis, wait until you see my balls.’

Me: Subtle?

Mr Rp: You better believe it. When that’s softened them up a bit, you start to do the romancing. For example ‘Your eyes are like pools of doggy gravey, your paws have the aroma of digestive biscuits and your bum smells of kennel.’ That’s always a good one. Or ‘I’d ignore piles of fox poo just to get to yours’. Then there’s a passing reference to popular culture: ‘If I was called Scooby, could I Doo you?’ and ‘Of all the parks in all the world, you had to pee in mine’.  See what I did with those? I crack me up. You’re lucky to have a dog like me.

Me: I’m really regretting my curiosity. Do any of these get any better?

Mr Rp: Well, I don’t know if ‘better’ is the word I’d use. But try these; ‘you put the ‘ruff!’ in Crufts’, ‘Let’s get our owners cross so we can spend time in the doghouse together’. ‘You can round me up anytime’ – but that one is best said to collie dogs.

Me: What about those confusing times when you and another dog get it together?

Mr Rp: Oh! Glad you mentioned that. Couple of good lines I’ve had used on me ‘I’ll cover your back, if you’ll cover mine’ and ‘Does your tail wag both ways?’

Me: Enough already! Do any of these really do the trick?

Mr Rp: Well, to be honest, I generally find ‘Brace yourself girl, I’m Rustypants by name, but not by nature!’ is all that I ever need.

Me: I should have known better than to ask.

Mr Rp: Silver tongued cavalier me. But not the King Charles kind mind!

In which Mr Rustypants goes for a short walk

Mr Rustypants: Dad! Dad! Dad!

Me: I’ve told you before, it’s very disconcerting when you put your paws on my knees with your nose an inch from mine...get down!

Mr Rp: Yeah, ok, whatever. Anyway, it’s time for my walk! Let’s go! Let’s go!

Me: No, I don’t think so, you’ve hurt your paw again remember?

Mr Rp: No, that’s fine, I saw Gareth and he mended me. I’m ready to go!

Me: You’ve only had one set of tablets, 13 to go – no walks yet.

Mr Rp: Oh I’m fine! Look – I can jump up!

Me Oooph!

Mr Rp: I can jump down.

Me: Phew!

Mr Rp: I can jump up!

Me Ooooph!

Mr Rp: I can jump down. All mended. Let’s go!

Me: You were limping yesterday.

Mr Rp: No, that wasn’t me, that was the other dog.

Me: What other dog?

Mr Rp: The bad one! The one that nicks bread out of the kitchen. The one that ate your supper that time. It must have been him, fooling you.

Me: I only have one dog – that’s you.

Mr Rp: It’s an invisible dog then.

Me: I really don’t think so. Besides, if it was invisible, how would I know it had a limp?

Mr Rp: <Pause....> Anyway, it’s time for my walk.

Me: OK, short leaded one, alright?

Mr Rp: Sure, let’s go for it.

<A short drive later>

Mr Rp: What in the name of cats is that horse doing there?

Me: It’s a working horse, it’s pulling logs out of the woods.

Mr Rp: You know, I reckon I could ‘av ‘er.

Me: What? You’re serious considering trying to shag a horse?

Mr Rp: Not so loud! You’ll frighten her. And too much more of that and you’ll have a hoarse voice. Hah! See what I did there? I crack me up. You’re lucky to have a dog like me.

Me: No! No horses. Wrong species, wrong size, wrong shape, just wrong wrong wrong!

Mr Rp: Well, if you balanced me on your shoulders, I could give it a good go I reck..

Me: No! Don’t drag me into your perverted fantasies. Besides, I thought you’d learned what it was like the other day.

Mr Rp: Oh yes. That husky. There I was, minding my own business, having a sniff of the grass, and out of no-where, I was assaulted! Assaulted I tell you!

Me: Well yes, you did get jumped by a husky, who was rather bigger than you. The look on your face was priceless.

Mr Rp: Fat lot of good you were. All you did was laugh. I thought you were going to bust a gasket or sumfing.

Me: I’ve never seen you look so surprised and puzzled. You were so shocked, you just stood there!

Mr Rp: Well, I was taken aback it’s true, but after the first few seconds, it felt oddly – enjoyable.

Me: Didn’t look like it. Specially when you got a bit, shall we say, ‘damp’ at your rear end?

Mr Rp: Pah. That comes from associating with amateurs. He was so stunned by me, he couldn’t help himself.

 

Me: Yes well, now it’s happened to you, maybe you won’t do it again yourself.

Mr Rp: Yes, you carry on thinking that, it’s what you’re good at. By the way, my paw hurts. Can you carry me back to the car and give me some treats?

In which Mr Rustypants and I play a game.

Me: Hey Mr Rustypants, let’s play a game!

Mr Rustypants: Sure dad, I’ll just get my tennis ball.

Me: No, this isn’t a game with a tennis ball, this is a game of ‘what happened this week’

Mr Rp: Well, if there’s no tennis ball involved, it’s not a proper game. However, if you insist, after a few biscuity type snacks, I’m sure I can oblige. How do we play this game?

Me: Well, I say something that might have happened, and you play ‘one up-dog-ship’ with me. Look, I’ll start.... ‘What’s more embarrassing than when you take a leak against someone else’s car?’

Mr Rp: <munches on a snack> Ummm, no wait, I can get this, I can get this... when the owner is stood there talking to you and telling you that he thinks I’m well behaved?

Me: Well done, you win a snack! Let’s try another, shall we? What’s more gross than you taking a dump in long grass, making it really hard for me to pick up?

Mr Rp: <munching on another snack> Oh, that’s easy! When I also make sure that I manage to hit some thorny prickly things and you yelp!

Me: Yes, exactly. That was very painful and also unpleasantly messy.

Mr Rp: Well, I have no shame, it hasn’t prickled my conscience. Hah! Prickled! See what I did there? I crack me up. You’re lucky to have a dog like me you know.

Me: Yes, well, that’s a matter of some debate. How about this one. ‘What’s worse than when you jump into someone else’s car boot?’

Mr Rp: <choking on a bit of biscuit> Well, you have to admit, that was very funny!

Me: No, the sight of you trying to hump some poor unsuspecting boxer in the back of her owners car was not funny – not even a little bit. And while we’re on the subject, what’s worse than you trying to shag that poor spaniel? Honestly, it was so small you had to get down on your knees and elbows, it was appalling!

Mr Rp: Well, let me guess now... what’s worse is when the spaniels owner got down to try and untangle us? It’s not MY fault I thought she was offering herself instead of her dog!

Me: It was appalling! They’ll never let us back in the dog training centre at this rate!

Mr Rp: Oh, you worry too much dad, I don’t think they noticed. They were all trying to revive that other woman who had fainted. Serves her right for watching in the first place if you ask me.

Me: Ok, last one. What’s worse than you diving into a stagnant pool of water?

Mr Rp: Where’s my biscuity treat? <snap, munch, swallow> Well.... could it be when I shook myself dry next to that other dog walker and half drowned her?

Me: Yes, that’d be the one, exactly. Oh, how about this one. What’s worse than when you thunder upstairs in the morning, jumping on the bed, paying close attention to thumping your paws down on my sensitive bits and burp your breakfast in my face?

Mr Rp: Oh, that’s a hard one. Let me think...<snap, munch swallow> Oh yes, of course – when I then turn around and fart the previous nights supper into your face?

Me: Yes, that would be the one exactly. How about this one – what’s worse than nicking another dogs ball and running off with it?

Mr Rp: Oh, that’s not fair! That was a total misunderstanding. How was I to know that plate thing was a toy? Didn’t look anything like a tennis ball.

Me: And what did you do with it? How much humiliation did you put me through with that one?

Mr Rp: Well, see, it was like this. I know you like collecting up my dumps, so I thought I’d make it easier for you. I didn’t know it was a ... what was it? Frizbee! I thought it was some new fangled dump dish, so I merely borrowed it off the other dog and did a dump on it to make life easier for you!

Me: Yes well, I had a lot of explaining to do, I can tell you. I had to give the lady owner some money to buy a new one – understandably she wasn’t too keen on throwing it for her pooch again!

Mr Rp: Well, that one mistake – just one mistake apart, I like this game, we must play it next week. I’ll see what I can rustle up. Rustling... hmm, that gives me some ideas – how do you like rabbits?